Couples Therapy: Directing Energy

by Judy Swallow, MA,LCAT,TEP

As a psychodramatist and somatic practitioner, I notice the actions of the body as well as the content of the words. I can invite clients to become aware of, or even exaggerate, a movement or gesture in order to discover what his/her body is saying. The atmosphere of curious inquiry is important in the therapy room.

Ideally, in working with couples, this sense of gentle mindfulness is invaluable, as interactions are slowed down and differences are honored with a spirit of understanding and generosity. Deep commonalities and mutual longings are brought to the surface, with a willingness to hear each other as separate individuals in partnership with each other.

However, most couples do not come in with this willingness!

People are angry, hurt, scared, despairing, judgmental, and more. The energy between them is another entity in the room. It is palpable.

At those times, redirecting that energy while still accepting the content of the communication is very useful. An empty chair represents the partner, and a member of the couple can direct their message to him/her, expressing it a deeply and fully as it is felt. This experience allows for release. Meanwhile, the observing partner can get some distance and perspective, without needing to defend him/herself from an onslaught of words and energy. This experience allows for more understanding.

Susan and Jerry have been married for 8 years. When they walked into the office, Susan was bristling with indignation. “How could you?”she accused Jerry. “You broke our date to go to a stupid meeting at work.” She had bought tickets to a concert by a band they enjoy as an anniversary present and had been proud and excited to have this gift to celebrate their shared pleasure. Jerry was withdrawn, with his jaw set and his shoulders slightly curled forward.

Any explanation he had tried to give had been met with Susan’s redoubled anger, hence, the visit to the therapist’s office. Positions were entrenched.

“I know you’ve heard this before”, I said to Jerry, “yet I’d like to give Susan a chance to express herself in this direction (as I pulled out an empty chair in another part of the room to represent Jerry) and give you a chance to watch”.
Susan was glad to have permission to vent her frustration to Jerry in the empty chair, freed for a moment from his subtle body/mind reactions that are so much part of any interpersonal communication.

As she continued, I encouraged her to express herself physically as well as verbally, so her whole body was engaged with her emotions. Soon her anger changed to tears of disappointment, and she remembered a moment when as a child she had worked on drawing a picture for her father, who then pushed it aside as she tried to give it to him on his way to work. She wept deeply, letting the long-forgotten experience come to the surface.

Jerry watched silently. I noticed his breathing becoming deeper, his musculature more relaxed. His eyed held compassion.

I asked him if he was willing to hold Susan, and he said yes. She slowly went to the couch where he was sitting and gingerly sat next to him. He gently pulled her toward him and enfolded her in his arms. This led to Susan’s deeper sobbing. I signaled him to keep breathing and stay present with her. “I’m so sorry”, he said.

He later had a chance to tell of his dilemma at work, where an important meeting was called to deal with a crisis that had emerged, and how he was torn between going home and staying. He was able to tell Susan about his fear of disappointing his co-workers as well as his fear of disappointing her, about his need to appear competent in his job, and the underlying insecurity there.

She still was unhappy with his choice, and wanted to extract from him a promise that he would never do that again. I stopped her, and talked about the difficulty in staying with each other in the vulnerable places, and not rushing to solutions that might not yet be able to come from a grounded place.

I invited them instead to think of an activity together that could represent the repair of this rift. They spent the rest of the session with this challenge, with some verbal wrestling, laughter, and intimate insinuations.

Judy Swallow, MA LCAT TEP is co-founder of HVPI and senior trainer. Judy was a senior psychodramatis in Four Winds Hospital in Katonah, NY. She is certified and Family Therapist and has had over 45 years of experience in private practice working with couples and individuals.